I should be packing right now. Monday morning, for the first time in three years, I’ll be taking a vacation — a real, honest-to-goodness vacation. I am excited, nervous (I’ve only travelled alone once. Is my Country Mouse showing…?), and so, so relieved that I will not be reacquainted with my desk at work until next Tuesday.
Instead of packing, though, I am here. Today marks exactly two weeks until I will become responsible for something other than myself. Sure, I have responsibilities at work and to the various people in my life…but they do not depend on me to survive. It’s exhilarating and terrifying all in one breath. Some days, I am so excited I can hardly sit still. Other days…well, other days, I wonder what exactly I’ve gotten myself into.
When D and I were driving up to New Hampshire last weekend, she cautioned me against expecting everything to be roses and rainbows and unicorn farts (that may be slightly paraphrased, for what it’s worth) – my romantic writings in this blog were one thing, but reality was much, much different. My immediate, slightly affronted response was “Of course I realize that!” Of course I realized that things weren’t going to be perfect, and that there would be challenges. I know nothing is perfect…right?
The conversation changed to another topic, but my brain turned the sentiment over, under, and around in circles. After grudgingly admitting to myself that my writing was a bit (okay, a lot!) flowery, I turned to D’s warning. Did I REALLY understand what this horse was about to bring into my life? I knew what I saw in this horse, but was I making trying to make him into something he was never going to be? Maybe I was.
I don’t know what lies ahead for us. I can guess, and I can plan until my head pops off…but at the end of the day, I don’t have a damn clue as to what’s truly ahead of us. I have predictions, and my gut is telling me that at the end of it all, we will work it out…but I’m no psychic. I wish I was. It’d certainly make life a lot easier.
What it comes down to, is this: I believe in this horse. I believe that he can be more than what he is today. However, believing is only half the battle. I understand that there will be struggles. I will get frustrated. I will wonder what the ever loving hell I’ve gotten myself into. There may be days where I think we’re perfectly in sync, to only be followed by days that find us on completely different playing fields. There will be laughter, tears, confusion, and road blocks. Mistakes will be made. Progress will be celebrated. This will be a journey. God only knows where it will end.
I am ready, so bring it on.