July seems like so long ago already. Saturday the 26th marked three months since I laid Image to rest.
I had a relatively miserable day yesterday (as much as I can have a miserable day with multiple, decent paying jobs, great people in my life, a place to live, and a car to drive), and I wanted nothing more in the world than to drive to the barn, duck into the paddock, and have my horse — my sweet, funny, wonderful little black gelding who knew exactly how to charm me to the moon and back — stuff his head into my chest. Instead, I went through my morning photoshoot in a fog (and still managed to get some decent shots…how, though, I don’t really know!), finished up house sitting for the weekend, shuffled home, and slept a little more than I should have. I missed him in a way that was physically painful. It took my breath away and caused my stomach to twist into knots.
The first year is always the hardest. Every milestone is an acute reminder of loss, and nearly unmanageable sorrow that comes with it is like a vice on your heart. Then, slowly, it turns into a dull ache. That dull ache is manageable for the most part. Sometimes there is a flare up, but the general day to day is no longer colored by heartache. Birthdays, holidays, Gotcha! days and the like are no longer reasons to stock up on tissues and alcohol (okay, mostly tissues, but whatever)…instead, they are remembered fondly with just a bit of sadness over not getting to share these days with the one you miss so much.
I know I’ll get there, and that it’ll take time…same story, different situation.
Until then, I will try to muddle my way through the bad days and enjoy the good days to the fullest.
Back to your “regularly” scheduled program tomorrow. I hope to have images from my most recent shoot edited tonight…got to play with a spicy Thoroughbred mare, a sassy Welsh pony mare, and a sweet Saddlebred gelding. Nothing like a big open field and gorgeous morning light to make your day that much brighter!